Neither a Possession Nor an Extension

“Oh, I could never be separated from my child that long.”  This phrase has been the theme song of my summer. Every time I inform someone that my 7-year-old daughter is away for the summer, some version of this sentiment is uttered. Sometimes the sentiment sounds sympathetic as if the speaker is saying, “You poor dear, I know it must be killing you” but most of the time the judgment in the statement is clear. What people really mean is “I would never allow my child out of my sight for such a long period of time at such a young age.” However, despite the many parents who clearly find my parenting skills inferior to their own, I am quite proud of my daughter, my husband, and myself.

            First, my daughter. I can’t pretend that I am not impressed by how much she is growing and how quickly. Just last year, I couldn’t drop her off at girl scouts without pinky swearing a hundred times or more that I would return quickly. Now here she is spending an entire summer without me. Admittedly she is with family not strangers but still her independence makes me proud. She has handled herself well and despite finding herself in the center of a small family drama she has not once broke down and begged to come home. I suppose many would question my lack of concern at the fact that my daughter doesn’t seem to miss me but to them I say, “there is a significant difference between missing someone and desperately clinging to them.” Besides, my time as her guardian is finite, I will not always be with her and more importantly I will not live forever. It is encouraging to me that she is o.k. without me.

            My husband has also been amazing. This is after all, the longest she and I have been separated. He has spent the whole summer walking the fine line between keeping me grounded in reality and being sensitive to how difficult it has been for me. His job has meant that this is not the first or even the longest separation for him and I have found his experience and empathy invaluable. I must also admit that it has been nice to reconnect as a couple and not just as a couple of parents. He is a good husband and a good father and we are both better people for having him in our lives.

            Finally, I am proud of myself. Yes it was hard to be separated from my daughter for so long but what she and I both gained in return is invaluable. She was able to spend two and a half months with family members she usually only sees on holidays. Family members who where instrumental in making me the person I am today. I have no doubt that they have as much if not more to offer her then they did me.  For myself, I was able to come to terms with the knowledge that I don’t own my daughter, nor can I protect her from everything. She is a beautiful, strong, brilliant little person, but she is her own person neither a possession nor extension of myself. My job is to love and protect her until she is ready to find her own way. I am proud that I was able to put my own emotional neediness aside long enough to allow her this opportunity. I know the day will come when she will leave my home for good and when it does I know that neither of us will fall apart.

Please feel free to leave your comments, questions and concerns below.

“Honest disagreement is often a good sign of progress.”

Mohandas K. Gandhi

In Honor of the New School Year (from a home school perspective)

Yesterday was the first day of the new school year for many of the kids in my area. In honor of that occasion, I have listed below ten things I am grateful that I don’t have to deal with anymore. 

10. New “School” clothes:

While my child still grows like all other children, our new clothes shopping experience is not artificially regulated in the fall. When you’re home schooled nobody cares if you wear last years jeans on the first day. 

9.  Marking all of my daughters supplies with her name:

I’m just not that likely to accidently take her stuff.

8. Buying more boxes of tissue and hand sanitizer then my child would ever go through in one year:

You wipe your kids nose and I will wipe mine.

7. Lunch Money:

We haven’t started charging yet.

6. Her new teacher anxieties:

Same old teacher as last year; it doesn’t really matter if she likes her or not.

5. My new teacher anxieties:

I already know all her teacher’s qualifications and shortcomings.

4. After school homework: 

It’s all homework and its usually done before noon.

3. Bullies who tease harass or abuse:

We just don’t invite them over.

2. Parent Drop-off and Pick-up lines:

Seriously those things are terrible. I’m not sure there is anything worse than an intentionally created traffic jam.

1. Having summer ended before we’re ready:

Isabella is still enjoying her visit with family in Idaho and I am still enjoying mid-day motorcycle rides.

*Disclaimer* - This is not meant to be negative commentary on the public school system (not that I don't have any) it is simple one mothers celebration. May you all (public, private, or home school) find joy in the little things.

Please feel free to leave your comments, questions and concerns below.

“Honest disagreement is often a good sign of progress.”

Mohandas K. Gandhi

Humble Pie and the Power of Perception

We have all heard it said that what you think about comes about. I have always loved this saying and the many others like it. It rings true to the psychology/communication student in me.  As a matter of fact I often find myself explaining to those around me “perception is reality”. If I perceive it to be true then I will act and react as if it were true. In turn you will act and react to my behavior and thus we two will make my perception our reality.  Despite my understanding of and belief in this concept, I was nonetheless taken back recently when I was presented with evidence of its affects on my own life. A few years ago (during a semester long course titled Sex and Gender) I came to the realization that I, and all of womankind with me, were doing twice the work that men were.  Women, I was told, were often working two jobs, one in the workplace, and one in the home. I latched onto this bit of information quite readily. I also made sure to file it away in my head, so that it could be accessed any time I had to run miscellaneous errands, clean the house, or take responsibility for the more mundane tasks of parenting. “Clearly”, I told myself, “even stay-at-home mothers such as myself work twice as hard as any man.” After all, his job comes with evenings and weekends off, my work on the other hand, never ceases.  I started by grumbling under my breath, then a little more loudly and finally I became so worked up that I would often announce to my husband, as I was doing chores “I am not being paid enough to work as your secretary, nanny, or maid!”  And so it was, I became the victim of a male dominated society. I began to see and present myself as just one of the many generations of mistreated women.  My husband played his part as well. Although he did not take on many of my chores, he showed sufficient shame for his part in my “victimization”. He would occasionally apologize for all I have to do, help where he could, and thank me often for my choice to continue putting up with my “situation.”

Then, about two weeks ago, the current issue of Time magazine showed up in my mailbox with the headline “Chore Wars”.  I did not even bother to read the subtitle, I just opened the magazine and searched out the story, convinced that this article like the many I read before it would announce to the world just how hard I, and other women were working. Boy was I wrong. Turns out that, while my grandmother and even my mother may have had something to complain about, I do not.  When you account for time spent at work and spent working at home, men and women are putting in nearly equal hours. Mother’s with full-time jobs are still doing more than there fair share (averaging about 73 hours a week to Dad’s 68) but the gap is closely rapidly. As for myself, it turns out that on average stay at home moms are logging about 58 hours of work compared to their husband’s average 68. I was shocked but quickly put it out of my mind and continued with life as usual. That was until last night. I was doing dishes while listening to an audio book, when the author suggested that a majority of dissatisfaction could be traced back to our attachment to our own ideas about what “should be”. I immediately thought of the Time magazine article and looking for some discussion on the subject, I asked my dear husband if he had read it. “No,” he responded “But I did notice that you left the magazine open to the article as a less then subtle hint”. I am not going to lie, for a brief second I considered not telling him what the article actually said.  Then I felt genuinely ashamed.  When I explained that articles actual findings he of course gloated, but only briefly. This morning I got up and made breakfast, as I do every morning. However, this morning, I made myself some humble pie. I ate silently and gratefully. Grateful to all the women who came before and fought so hard for the domestic equality that I experience and grateful to my husband, who never disagreed when I suggested that I worked harder then he did and who even this morning, thanked me for his meal before heading out the door.

The time magazine article “Chore Wars” can be found at:

http://www.time.com/time/subscriber/article/0,33009,2084582,00.html

Please feel free to leave your comments, questions and concerns below.

“Honest disagreement is often a good sign of progress.”

Mohandas K. Gandhi

For The Bible Tells Me So

1.  All have sinned in the eyes of the lord.

Romans 3:23

2.   Even Jesus wasn’t so presumptuous as to judge others.

John 8: 1-11

3.  We have a really horrible tendency of finding the smallest flaws in others while missing the glaring ones in ourselves.

Matthew 7:1-6

4. The bible warns that you will be judged by the same standards you use to judge others.

Mathew 7:2

5. If the laws and “abominations” of the Bible are the standard by which we judge others then pretty much every person I know is SOL.

FYI: Ladies…no pants allowed!

Deuteronomy 22:5

The woman shall not wear that which pertaineth unto a man, neither shall a man put on a woman's garment: for all that do so are abomination unto the LORD thy God.

Just Saying

Please feel free to leave your comments, questions and concerns below.

“Honest disagreement is often a good sign of progress.”

Mohandas K. Gandhi